Last week we started Sean on solids and he was cranky, fussy, and unable to sleep at night due to stomach pain. Albeit to say, it was a miserable week for Brian and me, who didn't know what was going on until the end of the week. Without sleep, Sean wasn't the only one who was cranky and irritable. I was growing frustrated and resentful. Frustrated that so much of life had changed and resentful of any time Brian got to spend with friends or time spent toward ministry. Time was redefined in such fundamental ways after we had Sean. It was no longer my time. I could no longer get as much done as I used to or do something at home for a guaranteed block of time. No longer could I go to the gym or shop at leisure, and the little things like mopping the floor, responding to email, going to the gym, cutting coupons, etc were often left undone. For a Type A person who loves to plan, organize, and do things in a scheduled manner, the loss of control has been an incredibly frustrating experience.

In the midst of my frustration God, in his grace, reminded me that my time is really not my own. In fact, as a follower of Christ my life is not my own. He reminded me that He grants me whatever portion of time each day to work and care for the people around me, and I must trust His allotment for me is enough because He is good and knows precisely what I need. In the end it's an exercise of giving up control; giving up control to run my life as I see fit and for my self-interests. And this made me feel better because as much as I want control, I know I cannot live a life of joy based on my own rules and expectations. As a new mother, God is teaching me to reprioritize and loosen my grip on control so that even in the most mundane moments of life I perceive He really is with me.

Jane Jung Kim
Community Group Leader